Random Time Flow 1

1:15 AM        It’s Tuesday morning (AM) and I’m fucked up. I walk back to my room, my roommate is still out partying. There is a guy lying in the hallway unconscious. He is right outside a door, keys in hand—I’m not a professional investigator but I assume he was too drunk to figure out how to unlock his door…and passed out in the hallway. He may have alcohol poisoning, but I don’t feel like doing anything about it, so I decide to just update this every once and a while. I’m such a good person.

1:32 AM      I start to trip out slightly. It’s freezing and I put a blanket on, then it’s hot and I take it off, I repeat this process several times per minute. I’m really fucked up.

1:38 AM       I realize I still have cookies left to eat, my faith in God is restored.

1:53 AM       A car skids on the wet road outside my window, unfortunately there’s no crash.

2:14 AM       I play with my electrostatic globe thing. It gets hot when I touch it too long, which has never happened before. However, I’ve never played with it this fucked up before.

2:52 AM      I recover from a slight freak out session. I want to go get water from the fountain at the end of the hall, but just the thought of the repeating floor pattern on the carpet scares me. I stay thirsty.

3:17 AM      I run out of cookies, I’m not happy.

3:35 AM       I check to see if the guy in the hall is still lying unconscious, he is.

3:43 AM       My friend Kristen calls to tell me unwanted information about her night. I tell her everything above this point. She laughs and says I need to chill out. I’m not happy. She asks if I want her to come over. I lie and say yes.

4:01 AM       A loud knock at the door scares the shit out of me. I tell them to fuck off. It’s Kristen, I quickly remember the conversation we had on the phone, I realize how fucked up I am.

4:05 AM        Kristen reads everything I’ve written so far, thinks I’m an idiot. She agrees to fill my water bottle for me.

4:08 AM       Fuck.

4:10 AM       Kristen returns with the water. I ask why the hell it took her 5 minutes to walk down the hallway and get it. She jokes about the guy in the hallway being dead, wants me to go see (because I’m sooo certified for that type of shit). I briefly explain the whole reason she went down by herself in the first place—I will freak out if I look at the carpet pattern this high. She says she’ll cover my eyes and guide me. I laugh and say hell no.

4:12 AM       Kristen guides me to the guy passed out on the floor. I feel for a pulse on his neck, I don’t feel one but I lie and say I do. I try to feel my pulse, I can’t feel it either, I’m really fucked up.

4:12 AM       (five seconds later) Dipshit on the floor starts snoring. Kristen seems relieved. I think about stealing his wallet, Kristen says that’s a bad idea. I make the mistake of looking down the long hallway, I start freaking out again.

4:13 AM       Kristen takes me back to my room, I drink water.

4:48 AM       I start to calm down. Kristen has fallen asleep in MY chair, bitch. I start to get angry, then I get tired.

9:12 AM       I wake up, I am back to normal. Kristen is out cold in my chair. My roommate is still not back. The dipshit in the hallway is still there.

9:14 AM       I get the urge to mess with the dipshit in the hallway.

9:17 AM       I spray shaving cream all over the dipshit in the hallway. I feel satisfied for no apparent reason.

9:24 AM       I go back to sleep.

Moral of the story: Yet to be determined.

BULLSHITTING 101, Sign-ups Now Available

I was looking through my school’s  curriculum the other day when I came across a class that spoke to me: Bullshitting 101. Who cares if I wrote it in myself? I guarantee it would get more undergraduate sign ups than any other class. That’s when it hit me…I should teach that class! No, I don’t have a degree in bullshitting but I have more experience at it than Bill Clinton.

Bullshitting 101; teacher: Mr. Explicit

Course Description:

In this class, we will cover a wide range of topics including (but not limited to): politics, finance, careers, psychology, relationships, social services, writing, and public speaking. As you can see, you will be well prepared for almost any career possible after passing my class.

A few specific class days will include:

-How to get people to do what you want

-Making money off other people’s mistakes

-How to sound like a genius without knowing what the fuck is going on

-Quickly getting what you want from the opposite sex

-How to be a more effective asshole

-Talking your way out of a speeding ticket

-How to make a fake ID

-Making an A in class without going to a single lecture (NOTE: does not apply to this class, if you miss a single lecture—you fail.)

Course Materials:

BOOK: The Art of Bullshitting by Explicit; this is a required textbook and must be presented at the start of every class for entry. (Note: the book hasn’t been written yet.)

Beer. Drinking is not allowed during class, but parties afterwards are always encouraged. You don’t need to have enough for everyone, but you have to at least have enough for me.

WARNING: If caught drinking during class, you will be locked in a side closet and forced to watch Dane Cook’s standup routine and listen to Fallout Boy.

Grading and Shit:

Grades in the course will be given on a pass/fail basis. To pass my class, you need an A.

Complete scale:

A—PASS

B—FAIL

C—FAIL

D—FAIL

F—FAIL

Every Monday, you’ll have a practice quiz; every Wednesday, you will have a real quiz; every Friday you’ll have a test; and any time I feel like it, you’ll have a surprise quiz or test. Homework will be given every day to test out the skills you acquired that day, and will be your best practice at becoming a more effective bullshitter. Homework may or not be taken up the next day, and may or not be graded—depends on the mood I’m in.

There will be one FINAL EXAM that will consist of taking you out into the field and testing out your progress. This exam is worth WhateverTheFuckiFeelLikeAtTheTime% of your final grade.

Note: just because you have an A at the end of the semester does NOT mean you pass.

When assigning grades at the end of the semester, I’ll probably just look of your grade, think about how you’ve done, think if I like you or not—then give you a grade. If you’re that nice dressed, polite, participating prick that sits in the front with his hands on his desk—you’ll probably fail. Meanwhile, if you’re the cool guy who comes in shitfaced every morning and smells like hooker’s perfume—you’ll probably wind up with brownie points when grades are getting assigned.

Academic Integrity:

Does not apply in this course. If you can figure out how to bullshit assignments and cheat off smarter students—then you may bring a slight tear to my eye, as I’m doing my job.

Disabilities:

If you have a disability that requires special needs or testing then you should enroll in another class because I don’t have the time to worry about that shit.

Financial Requirements:

Every student must make the immediate down payment of $500,000 for the course. There are no bullshit monthly payment plans or “mulligans” or any of that stupid shit. Wait, you’ve been one of my best friend since first grade? Great, now whip out that checkbook dipshit.

For the record, I met my “longest term” friend in 3^rd grade, and he is already an effective bullshitter. In fact, he will make a guest appearance near the end of the semester. He may or may not answer questions, but just standing in his presence will help you.

My Goal and Promise:

Once you have successfully completed this course, you will be better than everyone that hasn’t. You will be able to walk down the street, look people in the eye, and know in your heart that you are a more effective asshole than they are.  Everything you say will be right, everything you do will be right, and anyone who disagrees will die a virgin. On the completion on this course, you will be better looking, more successful, have more money, and have slept with more women than those who couldn’t cut it.

That’s my promise to you.

—From the teacher: ME

For additional information about the course, email me with the following:

Your Name

Your Major

Your Address

Your Social Security Number

Your Bank Account Number

Your Photo ID

List of Your Worst Fears

Thank you. I look forward to seeing you in class.

-Explicit

I Feel Special, but I Hate All of You

As many of you have noticed (and sent me annoying emails because of), I’ve been taking a long break when it comes to updating this site. This is in large part due to the fact that I’ve started college again and I’ve been hard at work studying and completing class work.

Ha. Yeah, as if.

By that I mean hard at work getting drunk and stoned at all hours of the day, partying in clubs until the sun comes up, and “talking to” as many hot girls as possilble. If you want to get some idea on how much sleep I’ve had in the past month, then go to sleep for the next 24 hours…then stay up for the next month…

Some good news for the Explicit Lifestyle is that it will soon be getting an upgrade as a fellow asshole has offered to purchase the domain name for ME exclusively, and fuck do I feel special! So special that I plan to get completely drunk-as-fuck wasted tonight in celebration, oh wait, I had already planned to do that…

I’d like to quickly apologize for that failed attempt at humor above but I am slightly stoned right now so everything is bringing a child-molestor-like smile to my face. I would also like to thank all of you annoying pricks that keep sending me emails asking “When are you going to update the site again?”, or “Hey, did you notice it’s been awhile since you posted?”…which I enjoyed emailing a picture  I edited of a giraffe getting sucked off by papa smurf. I may upload the picture some day, but as it stands now I don’t want to give the admins any more reason to shut me down (trust me though, it’s an amazing picture).

Most of this updating will not take place until next week, and here’s something until then:

I don’t wan’t ANY comments on this post.

I don’t give a damn that you read my post….and you sure as hell don’t need to tell me you did. I have this amazing thing called a stats tracker, which tells me that you are wasting your time reading all of my BS. In fact, I’ve noticed that the sites views haven’t dropped in the time that I’ve been MIA over the past months, which shows me that a bunch of no lives read my writing.

I don’t mean to sound harsh, but please follow my simple rules.

I’m happy to be back, I think, I’m pretty high right now.

No I Don’t Want a Damn Cookie!

Lately, I’ve realized that I’ve been slowly drifting away from one of my favorite hobbies, ranting about things I hate. Every once and a while, I go through a short time where nothing annoys me, which gives me false hope that the country is improving. Then, all of a sudden, my conscious gets kicked in the nuts and I remember that there are a lot of stupid people walking around, saying stupid things that don’t make any damn sence.

If you haven’t figured it out yet, I’m about to talk about stupid sayings that people use on a daily basis. I’m sure you’re guilty of saying some of these, but hopefully you’ll see the light once I’m finished.

“Violence doesn’t solve anything.”

I’m not going to try to find out who came up with this phrase, but they obviously got their ass kicked a lot in high school. Everyone knows that  violence solves EVERYTHING, from major disputes among countries, to the question of who gets the last of the Funyuns. Does anyone actually say this phrase and believe it? This is something you tell the school bully as a last resort in the hope that you won’t be walking around the rest of the day with his shoe sticking out of your ass (which you will if you say something like this).

“Do you want a cookie?”

I don’t know…do YOU want a cookie for seeing that Chris Rock stand-up routine too, you prick? It really just annoys me that people use this on a daily basis to dismiss other peoples’ accomplishments…WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE LATELY? Besides watch Chris Rock’s shitty stand-up on Comedy Central, that is?

“Time for you to get a watch.”

I don’t even remember when people started using this damn phrase to counter the question of “what time is it?”, but why the hell hasn’t it left everyday vocabulary yet? Sure, we all laughed the first hundred times someone said this, but seriously it’s time to  shut the hell up. This isn’t funny anymore, and just makes you look like an arrogant jackass. If someone weird/annoying/stupid asks you for the time, use the following scenario that I use on a daily basis.

Guy: “Do you know what time it is?”

Me: “Yes!”

…Then walk away.

“It is what it is.”

What the hell does this even mean? Oh wait, now I get it. You know what? You’re absolutely right! That means that a lamp is a lamp, a car is a car, a hat is a hat, and my foot in your ass is my foot in your ass. It really just pisses me off that people say this for no reason, and it adds jack shit to a conversation. A lot of people have a problem with the question of what to do when they can’t contribute to a conversation. Well the answer is easy, you SHUT THE HELL UP AND LISTEN.

“EPIC FAIL!”

Now this wouldn’t be so bad, but the dipshit that says it always tries to impersonate the narrator voice from movie trailers. Let me ask you this…is a fail ever epic? Is anything ever epic? Can we just kill people that use the word “epic” from now on?

“That’s what she said!”

I’ll admit that I laugh sometimes when I hear people say this, hell I use it sometimes. But the rule is that: IT NEEDS TO MAKE SENCE! For example, I was watching a friend of mine bake cookies one time and she was trying to figure out when she should take them out of the oven.

Her: “Damn, I wish the directions would be more specific about timing.”

Me: “I really don’t think it’s going to make a huge difference on when you pull the tray out…”

Her: “Yeah, it does actually. The taste really depends on when you pull it out.”

Me: “Wow, that’s like the biggest ‘that’s what she said’ joke ever…”

See? It can be funny SOMETIMES, but I have another friend that uses this joke constantly, on anything, even if it doesn’t make any damn sence. I really just want to stab the shit out of him sometimes…

(while getting stabbed)

Him: “Dude! STOP! It hurts so bad!”

Me: “That’s what she said! MOTHER FUCKER!!!”

“Guns don’t kill people, people kill people.”

Okay gun owners, time to shut the hell up! Just for the record, guns kill people, people kill people, people with guns kill people, guns help people kill people, people who use this phrase have small dicks. Great, now that we got that out of the way, all you gun right activists/rednecks can go to hell. Keep your guns locked up, put your NAGR card back in your wallet, and get back to mowing my lawn, dipshit.

“A penny saved is a penny earned.”

This is kind of an older phrase, but I still hear parents telling this to their kids. Wow, way to teach your kids to aim for the stars, no wonder this generation sucks at life…How about $100 saved is $100 earned? A penny saved is a penny you’re still never going to buy shit with. Sorry Ben Franklin, but it’s time to get the fuck out of here.

“You know what really grinds my gears?”

No. Fuck you.

“Same Difference.”

Okay, I could never find a consistent definition for this one. According to Webster’s Dictionary:

Same: identical with what is about to be or has just been mentioned

Difference: the state or relation of being different; dissimilarity

I don’t know about you, but those seem like antonyms (opposite words, for idiots) to me. If something is THAT different, you probably shouldn’t be using them back to back, to avoid sounding like a moron.

Other words that shouldn’t be used back to back in a sentence:

“smart” and “stupid”

“cold” and “hell”

“rain” and “sun”

“interesting” and “politics”

“soccer” and “exciting”

“Jessica Alba” and “good actress”

Rape of the Face, Mouth, and Throat

If a scientist ever comes along and creates a way to delete certain memories from your brain, the following story is the one I would throw out in a heart beat. I can’t really describe it in words other than, “HOLY SHIT”, so I’m not going to try. If you’ve ever experienced a bad kiss, than get ready to have your shit rocked, seriously I can’t make this stuff up…

Blah, blah, blah, at a party…everything is good…hot girls, music, semi-illegal substances, more hot girls.

‘Fast forward a few hours

So a bunch of us are sitting around, watching a movie. I’m sitting on the floor with some (hot) girl that I met that night. For the sake of her ever finding a future husband, I’m not going to use her actual name (I’m such a nice person). Let’s just say it’s ‘Sarah’. Now, Sarah is pretty cool girl who seems to have everything going for her. She’s good looking, dresses nice, she’s not stupid…so everything seems to be going well, excluding the fact that she’s sitting on my lap, cutting off all circulation below my balls.

‘Shit starts to get bad, FAST

I’m don’t want to go into detail on what we were talking about, but eventually she slides off my lap (thank god), and sits beside me. Then she leans in and tries to kiss me…

Okay, so I don’t know HOW THE FUCK she learned how to kiss people, but the next thing I know, I have her god damn tongue playing “footsies” with my tonsils. Other than that, I can’t really describe it! If you want to experience something similar, try sticking two fingers down your throat and yelling, “What the fuck!” as loud as you can.

Something that keeps coming to mind, whenever I think about this, are those “face huggers” from Aliens (see below).

Image by DandyGuarjol via Flickr

So much for me being nice…It was all over in about half a second, as I threw her ass off me and threw up a little in my mouth. No one else in the room knew what was going on, since they were all watching the movie. Later that night, I got the chance to tell my friends what the hell happened, and they all started gagging.

Yup.

This is Explicit, and I just had my face/mouth/throat raped. Mark that off my “To Do” List.

Fuck.

Of Course My Opinion Matters, but Your Survey Doesn’t!

Is anyone else getting really sick of seeing these damn online surveys? It seems like every time I go on the internet, I get some pop-up flashing, “ATTENTION! YOUR OPINION MATTERS!—TAKE OUR SURVEY NOW!”, as if the company was trying to decide on some global issue, whose outcome would effect everyone on the planet.

Oh wait, you just want to know what I think of your product?

IT SUCKS!

Okay, I appreciate you making me feel “special” by telling me my opinion matters to you, but seriously, I don’t give a damn. There’s only 4 people in the world whose opinions matter to ME, and guess what? I’M ONE OF THEM!

Image via Wikipedia

You want to take the survey? Great! Way to become another statistic…

I was trying hard to find some other article where people were bashing online surveys so I could borrow/steal information, but I failed. All I could find were stupid posts by stupid people wanting to know, “How much money can I make by taking online surveys?”

…Are you fucking kidding me?

Look, this isn’t some BS pop quiz off of Facebook, these are major surveys conducted by major corporations. The average survey can take up to 45 minutes to complete! If I spend 45 total minutes at my computer on a given day, I consider my day a FAILURE.

Most sites that will pay you to take surveys will give you $0.50 per survey (we’re just living the dream here, arn’t we?), and like I already said, most surveys take up to 45 minutes to complete. I’m going to be nice here and round it down to 30 minutes per survey.

Okay, so let’s say you’re a complete loser with no social life, so you decide to devote 2 hours EVERY DAY for an ENTIRE YEAR to taking surveys…(it’s spelled V-I-R-G-I-N, if you didn’t know) Which is some serious fucking stamina if you ask me, you have to have one hell of an attention span for that task.

I already knew my opinion mattered, you didn’t need to tell me.

Remember our stats here:
$0.50 per survey
2 hours per day
7 days a week
4 weeks per month (we’re going to pretend every month has exactly 4 weeks)
12 months per year

All you “future millionaires” need to get your calculators out at this time, while I hand your asses to you, it’s okay, I’ll wait…

($0.50 per survey) x (2 surveys in 1 hour) = $1 made in an hour

($1 made) x (2 hours taking surveys) = $2 made in a day

($2 made) x (7 days a week) = $14 made in a week

($14 made) x (4 weeks in a month) = $56 made in a month

($56 made) x (12 months in a year) = $672 made in a year

Now at first glance, $672 seems like a pretty good sum of money. I mean, seriously, is anyone going to refuse if you offer them $672? Of course not, but now let’s factor in how you COULD HAVE spent those 672 HOURS YOU WASTED MAKING YOUR HARD EARNED MONEY.

You could have been getting exercise, meeting a member of the opposite sex (or same, if that’s your thing), or maybe working an actual job…even a minimum wage job at McDonald’s would earn you a ton more money in the long run.

So when you think about the overall fact that you made $672 in 672 hours, that puts your total rate of income at about:

$ JACK SHIT

Don’t waste your time with online surveys!

50 People Who Need to Get Punched in the Face

This isn’t going to be that complicated of a post, but every once and a while you see someone and think, “Man, someone really needs punch that prick in the face…”

Here are SOME of those people I think deserve it.

In No particular order:

1. Mathew McConaughey
2. Dane Cook
3. Bill O’Reilly
4. Michael Bay
5. Brett Favre (Yes, that’s how you spell his name.)
6. John Madden
7. Paris Hilton
8. Michael Vick
9. Oprah Winfrey
10. Bono
11. Sarah Palin
12. Michael Bay
13. Jerry from the Subway commercials
14. Zac Efron
15. Miley Cyrus
16. Miley Cyrus’ father
17. Jude Law
18. Rosie O’Donnell
19. Hillary Clinton
20. Jerry Jones
21. Ashton Kutcher
22. Michael Bay
23. FRED
24. Al Gore
25. Serena Williams
26. dork from the Verizon Wireless commercials
27. Martha Stewart
28. Sasha Cohen (Borat actor)
29. Bill Clinton
30. Will Ferrell
31. Elmo (yes, the puppet)
32. Joe Jonas
33. Kevin Jonas
34. Nick Jonas
35. fucking Michael Bay
36. Billy Mays
37. Soulja Boy
38. Elton John
39. Tom Clancy
40. Adam Sandler
41. Jeff Foxworthy
42. Larry the Cable Guy
43. Teresa Hines
44. Ralph Nader
45. Bil Keane (author of Family Circus comic strip)
46. all the members of Fall Out Boy (counts as 4)

50. THIS GUY:

FUCK YOU MICHAEL BAY!

How to Survive a Boring Movie

It’s no secret that most of today’s movies suck, and with ticket prices coming out the ass, you simply can’t take chances of wasting money on a possible (and most likely) shitty movie. The first step to surviving a bad movie is to avoid it in the first place.

Thank God for the Internet!

Websites like imdb.com and rottentomatoes provide useful info about movies, whether they’re in theaters, just released on video, or even if they’ve been out for the past 50 years. You’ll need to make your own judgments in the end, but these sites can at least let you know what you’re in for.

There are also a few questions you can ask yourself before the movie releases, that should easily tell you if a movie might suck, such as:

“Did you shake your head while watching the previews?”

“Does is look like the studio compensated a lack story with special effects?”

“Is it a sequel to a movie that sucked in the first place?”

“Does the trailer give away the entire storyline?”

“Did Michael Bay direct it?”

If you answered “yes” to any of those questions, you might want to wait until the movie comes out on DVD. (or blu ray, if you’re a fag)

Okay, so let’s say you tried all the above strategies, but still wound up stuck in the middle of a movie theater, watching a shitty movie. It’s okay, sometimes it can’t be avoided. Maybe you have friends with a bad taste in movies, or your girlfriend dragged you to some lame romantic comedy, it’s cool, I’m here to help.

STEPS to Surviving a Boring Movie:

Stop Following the Plot!
This should be your first priority once you realize a movie has turned to shit. You have to be on your toes though, sometimes it can happen without warning, so you have to be ready to shut your brain off at a moment’s notice. This will help avoid long term brain trauma that people get when they view a movie with a terrible story line (Ghost Rider, Transformers, Superman Returns, Catwoman, any movie with Will Ferrell, Napoleon Dynamite, Quantum Of Solace , did I mention Ghost Rider?).

Throw Stuff
Hey, sometimes there just isn’t anything more interesting to do. Unfortunately you will need prior planning, as you should be seated somewhere near the back of the theater, but not the very back (you need to be able to blame someone if you get caught). Some of you might think this is too mean, because you’ll be ruining the movie for others. Seriously, everyone knows that only losers/bitches/virgins sit in the front of the theater, so it’s their own damn fault for not being cool. It’s commonsense that if you can’t get seats in the back of the theater, you leave, duh…

A couple things I’ve had really good results from throwing are skittles and popcorn.

Photo taken by PiccoloNamek.

Like many things, all types of candy have their own positive and negative sides.

SKITTLES are the sniper rifles of movie candy, and will grant you the most range…so you can hit the mega-fags sitting at the very front of the movie; however, they make some serious noise when they hit the floor. Just remember if anyone turns around to look at you, turn around and look at the people behind you, a loud, “Stop throwing shit!”, helps as well. Recommended for loud ass action movies.

Now POPCORN is more of a short-range, stealth weapon. You could throw this stuff in a silent movie and no one will notice. The (mega) downside is that you sacrifice range, as well as power, which ultimately makes it less satisfying. Many experts also believe that the light coming off the projector will reflect more off of popcorn than other snacks, which could lead to you being discovered quicker than you would like. However, it provides the unique ability to dump the whole bucket on the damn teenagers that keep making out in front of you. Recommended for DARK horror movies.

If you’re looking for power, look no further than WHOPPERS, MILK DUDS, and JUNIOR MINTS. Once again, the noise factor will come into play, but seriously, after pegging some innocent dipshit with one of these babies…you could care less about getting kicked out.

If all else fails, and you’re just looking for something unique, try TWIZZLERS, GUMMY WORMS/BEARS, or SOUR PATCH KIDS. None of these are particularly loud, they all get decent range, and honestly…who the hell is going to fuck with someone throwing twizzlers? …I’m not.

Hopefully these guidelines will help you purchase your future “Friday Night Weapon of Choice” from the local Walmart. No, of course you don’t buy candy at the theater, are you fucking stupid? I just paid $10 to get into the damn thing, I’m not paying another $13 for a bullshit candy bar.

Text Your Friends
The loud tapping noises your phone makes when you text can only be heard by the user, it’s a proven fact! No one else will notice. It’s also well known that the blinding light emitted by your cellphone can’t be seen either. And even if they could, loud distracting noises/lights help people enjoy the movie even more, so you’re doing them a favor. They might even kick your ass out of gratitude!

Sneak Alcohol Into the Movie
Just like alcohol makes ugly chicks more attractive, it also makes shitty movies more enjoyable.

Get High Before the Movie
This one requires pre-planning, but the payoff is amazing.

RESULTS:
Action Movies>>>More Exciting
Comedy Movies>>>More Funny
Horror Movies>>>More Scary
Romances>>>Still Gay

WARNING: Seeing a really scary movie while high might make you freak the fuck out, attempt with caution.

Rate the Hot Girls
(if you’re a woman with no sense of adventure, skip this step)

Most crappy movies try to compensate for their lack of plot with hot women. Just look at Megan Fox and Transformers.

And honestly, enjoy it.

Sleep
Seriously, I’ve done it, it’s great. Shitty acting is like a lullaby.

Imagine the Movie with Zombies
Zombies kick ass.

Get the Fuck Out of There!
If all else fails, just leave. Some theaters may give your money back if you leave early enough, take it. If they don’t offer refunds, who cares? Ten dollars is nothing compared to your sanity.

***************

Hopefully this will help some of you maintain your composure during your future confrontations with shit movies.

PS: I’ve been watching 10,000 BC on HBO while typing this, and it fucking sucks. This doesn’t relate to the article directly, I just felt like telling you.

Damn Speeding Tickets

Earlier this week, I went to the local police department to pay off a $100 speeding

Image by kawaface via Flickr

ticket. I had never been to this particular police station before so I had some BS mapquest directions with me, which was stupid on my part, since mapquest sucks ass 9 times out of 10. If that wasn’t enough of a problem, the whole area was having construction work done, and everywhere I went I had some high school dropout waving an orange flag at me. I eventually found some ‘random’ parking lot around the corner from the station, got out of my car, and started following the other people carrying red slips in their hands. Apparently the cops had been busy…

Once inside, I couldn’t figure out where the hell I was supposed to go. There were close to fifty people waiting in the (small ass) entryway to get into the courtroom, more people walking down a hallway off to the right, and some jackass officer (who wouldn’t shut the hell up) giving directions to people.

A few things this ass kept saying, and what I was thinking:
“Do not talk in the building.” (Yeah right.)

“Do not have your cellphone on in the building.” (Another rule I’ll be breaking…)

“If your cellphone sounds in the courtroom, it will be confiscated.” (Vibrate, bitch!)

“Proper dress is required in the courtroom.” (Coming from the guy who looks more like a redneck than a cop…)

“Close-toed shoes are required in the courtroom.” (Oops, I’m wearing flip-flops, oh well.)

“No hats allowed in the courtroom.” (I don’t wear hats, I’m not a fag.)

“Do not sleep in the courtroom.” (No thoughts, just busted out laughing.)

“I’m a total dip shit who has never touched a woman before and loves to fantasize about strip searching little boys while I touch myself.” (I kind of made that up, but I could tell he was/did.)

Well, I figured there’s no chance in hell that I’m going in that courtroom, So I took off down the hallway. As I navigated this maze of bullshit that is the Memphis Police Department, I noticed that the air condition was broken or something (or maybe they wanted to torture us further…). Well at least they had been nice enough to open up some of the windows…which did jack shit to let fresh air in. Finally, I found the booth to pay my ticket and got in the long as line and waited, and waited, and waited, and fucking waited.

While I was waiting/contemplating suicide, I started talking (whoops, broke another rule) to the people around me. The guy in front of me (around 60 years old) had gotten a ticket for supposedly “running a red light”. He didn’t know anything about it until he got a ticket in the mail; apparently one of those damn intersection cameras got him. Get this, he ran it by .03 seconds (yes, I read his ticket)…which shows that some asshole had way too much time on his hands that day. The BS part is that he could have run it by 10 seconds (or 10 minutes…) and still would have gotten charged the same amount. I felt similar with my ticket (11 mph over the limit), because I could have been going 21 mph over. The man/jackass behind me knew how to get his money’s worth, he was in line for speeding, reckless driving, and running a stop sign…so at least someone wasn’t pissing their money away.

***************
Man behind Me: “Yeah, bastards caught me going 60 in a 40, and running a stop sign.”
Me: “How are you not in jail?”
***************

I finally made it up to the front of the line and paid my $99 ticket with a check for $98 and one dollar in cash (just because I’m a dick), so the lady had to fill out two reports. When I left and started walking back to the entrance, the lobby had been completely jammed with people waiting to see the judge. Instead of crowd surfing, I took a quick step out one of the windows and headed back to my car.

As I entered the lot I had parked in, I noticed a sign that I hadn’t seen before, “Authorized parking only, unauthorized vehicles will be towed.” This set off the “Fuck me sideways” alarm in my head as I saw a bunch of cops getting in and out of their cars. Come to think of it, there were a whole lot of police cars where I parked.

Great, I see another ticket in my near future…

Yeah right, the hell with that.

Using advanced covert and stealth techniques (ducking, crawling, jumping) that would put Tom Clancy to shame, I slowly made my way to my car. Here I am successfully avoiding a parking lot full of police officers and yet I can’t beat one damn level of Splinter Cell (Eat shit Tom Clancy).

Luckily I managed to get into my car, start it, and get the hell out of there without being seen, as far as I know.

Explicit—7
Police—5
(dating back to June, 2004)

Time to Move Out of Mom’s House, Stupid!

I was getting my hair cut the other day when the stylist (or whatever you call them) started telling me about her family (against my will). At first I was politely nodding my head and letting out fake laughs whenever she smiled, just so that she had the allusion that I actually gave a shit.

Then, out of nowhere, she drops this line, “Honestly, I really wish my son would move the hell out and get his own damn place…”

Apparently this lady’s son is TWENTY-FUCKING-FIVE years old, and is still hanging around his parents’ house. Let’s paint the picture real quick. This guy has a good job, makes good money, has a girlfriend (somehow), and still lives with his fucking mother. Wow, I always knew that today’s men were total pussies, but that just raises the bar to a whole new (unwanted) level.

What the hell went wrong here?

When I left for college (age 18), the last conversation with my parents was something like, “Yeah, okay bye. See you guys in a year, maybe…”

And here this asshole is, SEVEN YEARS OLDER, and still living with/leaching off his parents: Getting his laundry washed, getting his breakfast made, shit probably even getting his ass wiped. It almost makes me embarrassed and I don’t even personally know the guy, although I would love to meet him and kick his ass.

How does a man in this position meet/pick up girls? It just seems like the conversations would go like this:

Man: “So you want to have a little, you know, fun?”
Woman: “Yeah, let’s go back to your place.”
Man: “Sure, just make sure you’re quiet. If we wake my parents up, my dad might spank me and not take me to the movies tomorrow.”
Woman: “What the fuck?”

I guess I’m being a little hard on this guy, because some of the blame definitely has to go to the parents here. Obviously, he didn’t get his ass kicked enough as a child, and it’s sad. Maybe if his parents would have done so, he would have grown up to be a more constructive member of society (ex: drug dealer, serial killer, rapist or something).

If you are a parent with a similar problem, try leaving your “wonderful child” a chore list like this:

****************************************************
Dear Sweetheart,

There are two choices below, please choose one of them.

CHOICE 1: Mow the lawn, wash the dishes, walk the dog, change the car oil, buy groceries, paint the house, wash windows (inside and out), sweep the chimney, sweep the neighbor’s chimney, mow the lawn again, give head to the cat, run naked through town, and threaten to bomb city hall.

~~OR~~

CHOICE 2: MOVE THE FUCK OUT!!!

****************************************************

Most people would get the message…

If all else fails, just wait until they leave for an hour or so, change all the locks, pack all their shit up in boxes, and put it out at the curb with a brochure of local apartments.

If I ever fuck up and have kids, I’m locking their asses out of the house for good when they turn 16. If they think they deserve a car just because it’s their “sweet sixteen” (which is bullshit by the way), they can damn well sleep in it for the next few years.