BULLSHITTING 101, Sign-ups Now Available

I was looking through my school’s  curriculum the other day when I came across a class that spoke to me: Bullshitting 101. Who cares if I wrote it in myself? I guarantee it would get more undergraduate sign ups than any other class. That’s when it hit me…I should teach that class! No, I don’t have a degree in bullshitting but I have more experience at it than Bill Clinton.

Bullshitting 101; teacher: Mr. Explicit

Course Description:

In this class, we will cover a wide range of topics including (but not limited to): politics, finance, careers, psychology, relationships, social services, writing, and public speaking. As you can see, you will be well prepared for almost any career possible after passing my class.

A few specific class days will include:

-How to get people to do what you want

-Making money off other people’s mistakes

-How to sound like a genius without knowing what the fuck is going on

-Quickly getting what you want from the opposite sex

-How to be a more effective asshole

-Talking your way out of a speeding ticket

-How to make a fake ID

-Making an A in class without going to a single lecture (NOTE: does not apply to this class, if you miss a single lecture—you fail.)

Course Materials:

BOOK: The Art of Bullshitting by Explicit; this is a required textbook and must be presented at the start of every class for entry. (Note: the book hasn’t been written yet.)

Beer. Drinking is not allowed during class, but parties afterwards are always encouraged. You don’t need to have enough for everyone, but you have to at least have enough for me.

WARNING: If caught drinking during class, you will be locked in a side closet and forced to watch Dane Cook’s standup routine and listen to Fallout Boy.

Grading and Shit:

Grades in the course will be given on a pass/fail basis. To pass my class, you need an A.

Complete scale:

A—PASS

B—FAIL

C—FAIL

D—FAIL

F—FAIL

Every Monday, you’ll have a practice quiz; every Wednesday, you will have a real quiz; every Friday you’ll have a test; and any time I feel like it, you’ll have a surprise quiz or test. Homework will be given every day to test out the skills you acquired that day, and will be your best practice at becoming a more effective bullshitter. Homework may or not be taken up the next day, and may or not be graded—depends on the mood I’m in.

There will be one FINAL EXAM that will consist of taking you out into the field and testing out your progress. This exam is worth WhateverTheFuckiFeelLikeAtTheTime% of your final grade.

Note: just because you have an A at the end of the semester does NOT mean you pass.

When assigning grades at the end of the semester, I’ll probably just look of your grade, think about how you’ve done, think if I like you or not—then give you a grade. If you’re that nice dressed, polite, participating prick that sits in the front with his hands on his desk—you’ll probably fail. Meanwhile, if you’re the cool guy who comes in shitfaced every morning and smells like hooker’s perfume—you’ll probably wind up with brownie points when grades are getting assigned.

Academic Integrity:

Does not apply in this course. If you can figure out how to bullshit assignments and cheat off smarter students—then you may bring a slight tear to my eye, as I’m doing my job.

Disabilities:

If you have a disability that requires special needs or testing then you should enroll in another class because I don’t have the time to worry about that shit.

Financial Requirements:

Every student must make the immediate down payment of $500,000 for the course. There are no bullshit monthly payment plans or “mulligans” or any of that stupid shit. Wait, you’ve been one of my best friend since first grade? Great, now whip out that checkbook dipshit.

For the record, I met my “longest term” friend in 3^rd grade, and he is already an effective bullshitter. In fact, he will make a guest appearance near the end of the semester. He may or may not answer questions, but just standing in his presence will help you.

My Goal and Promise:

Once you have successfully completed this course, you will be better than everyone that hasn’t. You will be able to walk down the street, look people in the eye, and know in your heart that you are a more effective asshole than they are.  Everything you say will be right, everything you do will be right, and anyone who disagrees will die a virgin. On the completion on this course, you will be better looking, more successful, have more money, and have slept with more women than those who couldn’t cut it.

That’s my promise to you.

—From the teacher: ME

For additional information about the course, email me with the following:

Your Name

Your Major

Your Address

Your Social Security Number

Your Bank Account Number

Your Photo ID

List of Your Worst Fears

Thank you. I look forward to seeing you in class.

-Explicit

50 People Who Need to Get Punched in the Face

This isn’t going to be that complicated of a post, but every once and a while you see someone and think, “Man, someone really needs punch that prick in the face…”

Here are SOME of those people I think deserve it.

In No particular order:

1. Mathew McConaughey
2. Dane Cook
3. Bill O’Reilly
4. Michael Bay
5. Brett Favre (Yes, that’s how you spell his name.)
6. John Madden
7. Paris Hilton
8. Michael Vick
9. Oprah Winfrey
10. Bono
11. Sarah Palin
12. Michael Bay
13. Jerry from the Subway commercials
14. Zac Efron
15. Miley Cyrus
16. Miley Cyrus’ father
17. Jude Law
18. Rosie O’Donnell
19. Hillary Clinton
20. Jerry Jones
21. Ashton Kutcher
22. Michael Bay
23. FRED
24. Al Gore
25. Serena Williams
26. dork from the Verizon Wireless commercials
27. Martha Stewart
28. Sasha Cohen (Borat actor)
29. Bill Clinton
30. Will Ferrell
31. Elmo (yes, the puppet)
32. Joe Jonas
33. Kevin Jonas
34. Nick Jonas
35. fucking Michael Bay
36. Billy Mays
37. Soulja Boy
38. Elton John
39. Tom Clancy
40. Adam Sandler
41. Jeff Foxworthy
42. Larry the Cable Guy
43. Teresa Hines
44. Ralph Nader
45. Bil Keane (author of Family Circus comic strip)
46. all the members of Fall Out Boy (counts as 4)

50. THIS GUY:

FUCK YOU MICHAEL BAY!

How to Survive a Boring Movie

It’s no secret that most of today’s movies suck, and with ticket prices coming out the ass, you simply can’t take chances of wasting money on a possible (and most likely) shitty movie. The first step to surviving a bad movie is to avoid it in the first place.

Thank God for the Internet!

Websites like imdb.com and rottentomatoes provide useful info about movies, whether they’re in theaters, just released on video, or even if they’ve been out for the past 50 years. You’ll need to make your own judgments in the end, but these sites can at least let you know what you’re in for.

There are also a few questions you can ask yourself before the movie releases, that should easily tell you if a movie might suck, such as:

“Did you shake your head while watching the previews?”

“Does is look like the studio compensated a lack story with special effects?”

“Is it a sequel to a movie that sucked in the first place?”

“Does the trailer give away the entire storyline?”

“Did Michael Bay direct it?”

If you answered “yes” to any of those questions, you might want to wait until the movie comes out on DVD. (or blu ray, if you’re a fag)

Okay, so let’s say you tried all the above strategies, but still wound up stuck in the middle of a movie theater, watching a shitty movie. It’s okay, sometimes it can’t be avoided. Maybe you have friends with a bad taste in movies, or your girlfriend dragged you to some lame romantic comedy, it’s cool, I’m here to help.

STEPS to Surviving a Boring Movie:

Stop Following the Plot!
This should be your first priority once you realize a movie has turned to shit. You have to be on your toes though, sometimes it can happen without warning, so you have to be ready to shut your brain off at a moment’s notice. This will help avoid long term brain trauma that people get when they view a movie with a terrible story line (Ghost Rider, Transformers, Superman Returns, Catwoman, any movie with Will Ferrell, Napoleon Dynamite, Quantum Of Solace , did I mention Ghost Rider?).

Throw Stuff
Hey, sometimes there just isn’t anything more interesting to do. Unfortunately you will need prior planning, as you should be seated somewhere near the back of the theater, but not the very back (you need to be able to blame someone if you get caught). Some of you might think this is too mean, because you’ll be ruining the movie for others. Seriously, everyone knows that only losers/bitches/virgins sit in the front of the theater, so it’s their own damn fault for not being cool. It’s commonsense that if you can’t get seats in the back of the theater, you leave, duh…

A couple things I’ve had really good results from throwing are skittles and popcorn.

Photo taken by PiccoloNamek.

Like many things, all types of candy have their own positive and negative sides.

SKITTLES are the sniper rifles of movie candy, and will grant you the most range…so you can hit the mega-fags sitting at the very front of the movie; however, they make some serious noise when they hit the floor. Just remember if anyone turns around to look at you, turn around and look at the people behind you, a loud, “Stop throwing shit!”, helps as well. Recommended for loud ass action movies.

Now POPCORN is more of a short-range, stealth weapon. You could throw this stuff in a silent movie and no one will notice. The (mega) downside is that you sacrifice range, as well as power, which ultimately makes it less satisfying. Many experts also believe that the light coming off the projector will reflect more off of popcorn than other snacks, which could lead to you being discovered quicker than you would like. However, it provides the unique ability to dump the whole bucket on the damn teenagers that keep making out in front of you. Recommended for DARK horror movies.

If you’re looking for power, look no further than WHOPPERS, MILK DUDS, and JUNIOR MINTS. Once again, the noise factor will come into play, but seriously, after pegging some innocent dipshit with one of these babies…you could care less about getting kicked out.

If all else fails, and you’re just looking for something unique, try TWIZZLERS, GUMMY WORMS/BEARS, or SOUR PATCH KIDS. None of these are particularly loud, they all get decent range, and honestly…who the hell is going to fuck with someone throwing twizzlers? …I’m not.

Hopefully these guidelines will help you purchase your future “Friday Night Weapon of Choice” from the local Walmart. No, of course you don’t buy candy at the theater, are you fucking stupid? I just paid $10 to get into the damn thing, I’m not paying another $13 for a bullshit candy bar.

Text Your Friends
The loud tapping noises your phone makes when you text can only be heard by the user, it’s a proven fact! No one else will notice. It’s also well known that the blinding light emitted by your cellphone can’t be seen either. And even if they could, loud distracting noises/lights help people enjoy the movie even more, so you’re doing them a favor. They might even kick your ass out of gratitude!

Sneak Alcohol Into the Movie
Just like alcohol makes ugly chicks more attractive, it also makes shitty movies more enjoyable.

Get High Before the Movie
This one requires pre-planning, but the payoff is amazing.

RESULTS:
Action Movies>>>More Exciting
Comedy Movies>>>More Funny
Horror Movies>>>More Scary
Romances>>>Still Gay

WARNING: Seeing a really scary movie while high might make you freak the fuck out, attempt with caution.

Rate the Hot Girls
(if you’re a woman with no sense of adventure, skip this step)

Most crappy movies try to compensate for their lack of plot with hot women. Just look at Megan Fox and Transformers.

And honestly, enjoy it.

Sleep
Seriously, I’ve done it, it’s great. Shitty acting is like a lullaby.

Imagine the Movie with Zombies
Zombies kick ass.

Get the Fuck Out of There!
If all else fails, just leave. Some theaters may give your money back if you leave early enough, take it. If they don’t offer refunds, who cares? Ten dollars is nothing compared to your sanity.

***************

Hopefully this will help some of you maintain your composure during your future confrontations with shit movies.

PS: I’ve been watching 10,000 BC on HBO while typing this, and it fucking sucks. This doesn’t relate to the article directly, I just felt like telling you.

Top 10 Movie Wusses of All Time

Every once and a while a movie comes along that has one particular character that makes you think, “Oh my God, what a pussy!” We’ve all had those thoughts while watching a movie, hell, every once and awhile a movie hits the jackpot and has several characters that set off that “bitch alert” in your head.

When someone asks, “Hey Explicit, who do you think is the biggest wuss EVER in a movie?” I honestly can’t answer immediately, I mean there are THOUSANDS to choose from! I immediately think of characters like Cpl. Timothy P. Upham from Saving Private Ryan, and Peter Parker from Spider-Man. Caledon ‘Cal’ Hockley from Titanic also possesses a strong bid, along with the entire cast from the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Yes, it’s true (and sad), from wusses who can’t get over their ex-girlfriends (Peter Bretter, Forgetting Sarah Marshall) to scarred bitches who dress up like owls and fight crime (Nite Owl, The Watchmen), today’s movies are full of pussies who drink warm beer, watch soap operas, and piss themselves at night.

Although all of the previous mentioned ‘women’ were definitely considered for the nomination of biggest wuss, they just arn’t quite there yet.

No, to be on this list, you have to be one hell of a pussy.

You have to bleed bitch-ness, cry ecstasy, and sleep with stuffed animals to be mentioned here.

[The list will be set up like this: Actor>>>Movie, Year (movie was made)]

***Please Note: It’s not the actor’s fault, they were just “playing a part”.***

——————————————————
Explicit’s Top 10 Wusses of All Time:
——————————-———————–

10.) Tom Cruise>>>Born on the 4th of July, 1989

9.) Tom Cruise>>>The Outsiders, 1983

8.) Tom Cruise>>>Top Gun, 1986

7. ) Tom Cruise>>>Jerry Maguire, 1996

6.) Tom Cruise>>>The Last Samurai, 2003

5.) Tom Cruise>>>A Few Good Men, 1992

4.) Tom Cruise>>>Minority Report, 2002

3.) Tom Cruise>>>War of the Worlds, 2005

2.) Tom Cruise>>>Cocktail, 1988

1.) Tom Cruise>>>Risky Business, 1983

Honorable Mentions:

Tom Cruise>>>Valkyrie, 2008

Tom Cruise>>>The Firm, 1993

Tom Cruise>>>Mission: Impossible, 1996

Tom Cruise>>>Mission: Impossible II, 2000

Tom Cruise>>>Mission: Impossible III, 2006

Future Mentions:

Tom Cruise>>>Any future Mission: Impossible movies

**Please note that I don’t hate Tom Cruise, it’s just that all of the characters he plays turn out to be total wusses.

Hot Girls, Hand Shakes, and Hangovers

The other day I attended a pool party as an early 4th of July celebration. Now with the exception of the host and a few others, I was in a house full of strangers. Luckily shyness has never been much of an issue with me, as I enjoy talking to and meeting new people (especially all the hot women at the party). So as I went through the night introducing/being introduced to new people I obviously had many chances to shake hands with new people.
…
…
(*RANT ALERT*)
While I’ve overlooked it in (a lot) in the past, I simply can’t deny that many people just flat out SUCK at shaking hands.

And it seems SO easy…

I apologize up front for the misleading title (although there were a lot of hot girls, and I ended up with a slight hangover the following day) but I felt the need to create some hand shake guidelines, particularly what to AVOID. Sorry once again to anyone who thought they were going to see pictures of hot girls here, but try one of the many free online porn sites, feel free to message me if you want some good ones.

Now lets start off with the correct way to shake hands. This is a good, simple explanation I found:

‘Keep the palm vertical to the ground and extending your arm forward as though you were sawing wood with a hand saw. It sends a message of greetings, I am here for you as you for me. We are equals.’

…sounds easy right? Apparently it isn’t.

What NOT to do:

The Wanna-be Alpha Shake:
When you are trapped in a handshake duel with some jackass who thinks it’s a competition of who can break the other person’s hand the quickest. I like to think that there’s a special level of hell reserved for people who practice this god awful ritual. The best way to stop this is to just avoid the confrontation in the first place, try sneezing in you hand before you’re introduced. If someone forces you into this shake just look them in the eye, smile, and say “It’s okay, I have a small dick too.” …or some equivalent if it’s a woman.

The Wuss Shake:
This often referred to as the “Dead Fish”, I also call it the “Spineless Jackass Style”. It fits because the person doing it LOOKS like a jackass, the person receiving it FEELS like a jackass, and anyone watching KNOWS you’re a jackass. If you haven’t figured it out already, this is when the handshake is disinterested and limp (keep in mind we’re still talking about hands here).

The Fist Pump:
Ah, the fist pump. How great it was…back in 5th grade. Fist pumping just sounds weird, but looks even worst. Unless you’re playing hockey, avoid this style at all costs.

The Wonder Twin Pump:
A dreadful form of its dumbass cousin the “Fist Pump”. This is when you reluctantly engage in the fist pump, and the already jackass starts pushing back your fist as if trying to merge your hands together. The first time this happened to me, I thought the fag was trying to ignite his Wonder Twin powers.

Need I explain more?

The “Give me some skin!” Style:
This is usually done by a white guy who wants to be black. See “wigger” at urbandictionary(dot)com. He will approach you (usually with a big gay smile or laugh) with his hand up around his face and his palm towards the ground and yell something like “Hey man, give me some skin!”. If you encounter this abomination give him what he asks for…a nice punch in the face.

The “Let go of my damn fingers!” Shake:
When you shake hands with someone who has bad timing and grabs before your hands have completely enlocked, resulting in your fingers getting crunched together while the idiot smiles and introduces himself. The worst part of this is that the culprit behind this will do one of the following:
a.) not notice
b.) notice, but be too embarassed to do anything about it
c.) squeeze harder — ’see the Wanna-be Alpha Shake’—
d.) A and C, or B and C

80% of the time, you won’t even remember the person’s name (not that it matters) because you’ll be too focused on the pain he’s causing your fingers.

Guy 1: “Hey, what’s that guy’s name over there?”
Guy 2: “Dude, I don’t know even know.”
Guy 1: “You just shook hands with him like 3 minutes ago!”
Guy 2: “Yeah, but he pulled the “Let go of my damn fingers!” shake on me…
Guy 1: “Oh, hell no. Hey everyone! I think we need to choke a bitch!”

***

All problems aside, just take the next minute or two and picture yourself shaking hands with a total stranger. Imagine the shape of your hand and how much pressure to apply. It’s not a science, but it’s important!