No I Don’t Want a Damn Cookie!

Lately, I’ve realized that I’ve been slowly drifting away from one of my favorite hobbies, ranting about things I hate. Every once and a while, I go through a short time where nothing annoys me, which gives me false hope that the country is improving. Then, all of a sudden, my conscious gets kicked in the nuts and I remember that there are a lot of stupid people walking around, saying stupid things that don’t make any damn sence.

If you haven’t figured it out yet, I’m about to talk about stupid sayings that people use on a daily basis. I’m sure you’re guilty of saying some of these, but hopefully you’ll see the light once I’m finished.

“Violence doesn’t solve anything.”

I’m not going to try to find out who came up with this phrase, but they obviously got their ass kicked a lot in high school. Everyone knows that  violence solves EVERYTHING, from major disputes among countries, to the question of who gets the last of the Funyuns. Does anyone actually say this phrase and believe it? This is something you tell the school bully as a last resort in the hope that you won’t be walking around the rest of the day with his shoe sticking out of your ass (which you will if you say something like this).

“Do you want a cookie?”

I don’t know…do YOU want a cookie for seeing that Chris Rock stand-up routine too, you prick? It really just annoys me that people use this on a daily basis to dismiss other peoples’ accomplishments…WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE LATELY? Besides watch Chris Rock’s shitty stand-up on Comedy Central, that is?

“Time for you to get a watch.”

I don’t even remember when people started using this damn phrase to counter the question of “what time is it?”, but why the hell hasn’t it left everyday vocabulary yet? Sure, we all laughed the first hundred times someone said this, but seriously it’s time to  shut the hell up. This isn’t funny anymore, and just makes you look like an arrogant jackass. If someone weird/annoying/stupid asks you for the time, use the following scenario that I use on a daily basis.

Guy: “Do you know what time it is?”

Me: “Yes!”

…Then walk away.

“It is what it is.”

What the hell does this even mean? Oh wait, now I get it. You know what? You’re absolutely right! That means that a lamp is a lamp, a car is a car, a hat is a hat, and my foot in your ass is my foot in your ass. It really just pisses me off that people say this for no reason, and it adds jack shit to a conversation. A lot of people have a problem with the question of what to do when they can’t contribute to a conversation. Well the answer is easy, you SHUT THE HELL UP AND LISTEN.

“EPIC FAIL!”

Now this wouldn’t be so bad, but the dipshit that says it always tries to impersonate the narrator voice from movie trailers. Let me ask you this…is a fail ever epic? Is anything ever epic? Can we just kill people that use the word “epic” from now on?

“That’s what she said!”

I’ll admit that I laugh sometimes when I hear people say this, hell I use it sometimes. But the rule is that: IT NEEDS TO MAKE SENCE! For example, I was watching a friend of mine bake cookies one time and she was trying to figure out when she should take them out of the oven.

Her: “Damn, I wish the directions would be more specific about timing.”

Me: “I really don’t think it’s going to make a huge difference on when you pull the tray out…”

Her: “Yeah, it does actually. The taste really depends on when you pull it out.”

Me: “Wow, that’s like the biggest ‘that’s what she said’ joke ever…”

See? It can be funny SOMETIMES, but I have another friend that uses this joke constantly, on anything, even if it doesn’t make any damn sence. I really just want to stab the shit out of him sometimes…

(while getting stabbed)

Him: “Dude! STOP! It hurts so bad!”

Me: “That’s what she said! MOTHER FUCKER!!!”

“Guns don’t kill people, people kill people.”

Okay gun owners, time to shut the hell up! Just for the record, guns kill people, people kill people, people with guns kill people, guns help people kill people, people who use this phrase have small dicks. Great, now that we got that out of the way, all you gun right activists/rednecks can go to hell. Keep your guns locked up, put your NAGR card back in your wallet, and get back to mowing my lawn, dipshit.

“A penny saved is a penny earned.”

This is kind of an older phrase, but I still hear parents telling this to their kids. Wow, way to teach your kids to aim for the stars, no wonder this generation sucks at life…How about $100 saved is $100 earned? A penny saved is a penny you’re still never going to buy shit with. Sorry Ben Franklin, but it’s time to get the fuck out of here.

“You know what really grinds my gears?”

No. Fuck you.

“Same Difference.”

Okay, I could never find a consistent definition for this one. According to Webster’s Dictionary:

Same: identical with what is about to be or has just been mentioned

Difference: the state or relation of being different; dissimilarity

I don’t know about you, but those seem like antonyms (opposite words, for idiots) to me. If something is THAT different, you probably shouldn’t be using them back to back, to avoid sounding like a moron.

Other words that shouldn’t be used back to back in a sentence:

“smart” and “stupid”

“cold” and “hell”

“rain” and “sun”

“interesting” and “politics”

“soccer” and “exciting”

“Jessica Alba” and “good actress”