How to Survive a Boring Movie

It’s no secret that most of today’s movies suck, and with ticket prices coming out the ass, you simply can’t take chances of wasting money on a possible (and most likely) shitty movie. The first step to surviving a bad movie is to avoid it in the first place.

Thank God for the Internet!

Websites like imdb.com and rottentomatoes provide useful info about movies, whether they’re in theaters, just released on video, or even if they’ve been out for the past 50 years. You’ll need to make your own judgments in the end, but these sites can at least let you know what you’re in for.

There are also a few questions you can ask yourself before the movie releases, that should easily tell you if a movie might suck, such as:

“Did you shake your head while watching the previews?”

“Does is look like the studio compensated a lack story with special effects?”

“Is it a sequel to a movie that sucked in the first place?”

“Does the trailer give away the entire storyline?”

“Did Michael Bay direct it?”

If you answered “yes” to any of those questions, you might want to wait until the movie comes out on DVD. (or blu ray, if you’re a fag)

Okay, so let’s say you tried all the above strategies, but still wound up stuck in the middle of a movie theater, watching a shitty movie. It’s okay, sometimes it can’t be avoided. Maybe you have friends with a bad taste in movies, or your girlfriend dragged you to some lame romantic comedy, it’s cool, I’m here to help.

STEPS to Surviving a Boring Movie:

Stop Following the Plot!
This should be your first priority once you realize a movie has turned to shit. You have to be on your toes though, sometimes it can happen without warning, so you have to be ready to shut your brain off at a moment’s notice. This will help avoid long term brain trauma that people get when they view a movie with a terrible story line (Ghost Rider, Transformers, Superman Returns, Catwoman, any movie with Will Ferrell, Napoleon Dynamite, Quantum Of Solace , did I mention Ghost Rider?).

Throw Stuff
Hey, sometimes there just isn’t anything more interesting to do. Unfortunately you will need prior planning, as you should be seated somewhere near the back of the theater, but not the very back (you need to be able to blame someone if you get caught). Some of you might think this is too mean, because you’ll be ruining the movie for others. Seriously, everyone knows that only losers/bitches/virgins sit in the front of the theater, so it’s their own damn fault for not being cool. It’s commonsense that if you can’t get seats in the back of the theater, you leave, duh…

A couple things I’ve had really good results from throwing are skittles and popcorn.

Photo taken by PiccoloNamek.

Like many things, all types of candy have their own positive and negative sides.

SKITTLES are the sniper rifles of movie candy, and will grant you the most range…so you can hit the mega-fags sitting at the very front of the movie; however, they make some serious noise when they hit the floor. Just remember if anyone turns around to look at you, turn around and look at the people behind you, a loud, “Stop throwing shit!”, helps as well. Recommended for loud ass action movies.

Now POPCORN is more of a short-range, stealth weapon. You could throw this stuff in a silent movie and no one will notice. The (mega) downside is that you sacrifice range, as well as power, which ultimately makes it less satisfying. Many experts also believe that the light coming off the projector will reflect more off of popcorn than other snacks, which could lead to you being discovered quicker than you would like. However, it provides the unique ability to dump the whole bucket on the damn teenagers that keep making out in front of you. Recommended for DARK horror movies.

If you’re looking for power, look no further than WHOPPERS, MILK DUDS, and JUNIOR MINTS. Once again, the noise factor will come into play, but seriously, after pegging some innocent dipshit with one of these babies…you could care less about getting kicked out.

If all else fails, and you’re just looking for something unique, try TWIZZLERS, GUMMY WORMS/BEARS, or SOUR PATCH KIDS. None of these are particularly loud, they all get decent range, and honestly…who the hell is going to fuck with someone throwing twizzlers? …I’m not.

Hopefully these guidelines will help you purchase your future “Friday Night Weapon of Choice” from the local Walmart. No, of course you don’t buy candy at the theater, are you fucking stupid? I just paid $10 to get into the damn thing, I’m not paying another $13 for a bullshit candy bar.

Text Your Friends
The loud tapping noises your phone makes when you text can only be heard by the user, it’s a proven fact! No one else will notice. It’s also well known that the blinding light emitted by your cellphone can’t be seen either. And even if they could, loud distracting noises/lights help people enjoy the movie even more, so you’re doing them a favor. They might even kick your ass out of gratitude!

Sneak Alcohol Into the Movie
Just like alcohol makes ugly chicks more attractive, it also makes shitty movies more enjoyable.

Get High Before the Movie
This one requires pre-planning, but the payoff is amazing.

RESULTS:
Action Movies>>>More Exciting
Comedy Movies>>>More Funny
Horror Movies>>>More Scary
Romances>>>Still Gay

WARNING: Seeing a really scary movie while high might make you freak the fuck out, attempt with caution.

Rate the Hot Girls
(if you’re a woman with no sense of adventure, skip this step)

Most crappy movies try to compensate for their lack of plot with hot women. Just look at Megan Fox and Transformers.

And honestly, enjoy it.

Sleep
Seriously, I’ve done it, it’s great. Shitty acting is like a lullaby.

Imagine the Movie with Zombies
Zombies kick ass.

Get the Fuck Out of There!
If all else fails, just leave. Some theaters may give your money back if you leave early enough, take it. If they don’t offer refunds, who cares? Ten dollars is nothing compared to your sanity.

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Hopefully this will help some of you maintain your composure during your future confrontations with shit movies.

PS: I’ve been watching 10,000 BC on HBO while typing this, and it fucking sucks. This doesn’t relate to the article directly, I just felt like telling you.