Time to Move Out of Mom’s House, Stupid!

I was getting my hair cut the other day when the stylist (or whatever you call them) started telling me about her family (against my will). At first I was politely nodding my head and letting out fake laughs whenever she smiled, just so that she had the allusion that I actually gave a shit.

Then, out of nowhere, she drops this line, “Honestly, I really wish my son would move the hell out and get his own damn place…”

Apparently this lady’s son is TWENTY-FUCKING-FIVE years old, and is still hanging around his parents’ house. Let’s paint the picture real quick. This guy has a good job, makes good money, has a girlfriend (somehow), and still lives with his fucking mother. Wow, I always knew that today’s men were total pussies, but that just raises the bar to a whole new (unwanted) level.

What the hell went wrong here?

When I left for college (age 18), the last conversation with my parents was something like, “Yeah, okay bye. See you guys in a year, maybe…”

And here this asshole is, SEVEN YEARS OLDER, and still living with/leaching off his parents: Getting his laundry washed, getting his breakfast made, shit probably even getting his ass wiped. It almost makes me embarrassed and I don’t even personally know the guy, although I would love to meet him and kick his ass.

How does a man in this position meet/pick up girls? It just seems like the conversations would go like this:

Man: “So you want to have a little, you know, fun?”
Woman: “Yeah, let’s go back to your place.”
Man: “Sure, just make sure you’re quiet. If we wake my parents up, my dad might spank me and not take me to the movies tomorrow.”
Woman: “What the fuck?”

I guess I’m being a little hard on this guy, because some of the blame definitely has to go to the parents here. Obviously, he didn’t get his ass kicked enough as a child, and it’s sad. Maybe if his parents would have done so, he would have grown up to be a more constructive member of society (ex: drug dealer, serial killer, rapist or something).

If you are a parent with a similar problem, try leaving your “wonderful child” a chore list like this:

****************************************************
Dear Sweetheart,

There are two choices below, please choose one of them.

CHOICE 1: Mow the lawn, wash the dishes, walk the dog, change the car oil, buy groceries, paint the house, wash windows (inside and out), sweep the chimney, sweep the neighbor’s chimney, mow the lawn again, give head to the cat, run naked through town, and threaten to bomb city hall.

~~OR~~

CHOICE 2: MOVE THE FUCK OUT!!!

****************************************************

Most people would get the message…

If all else fails, just wait until they leave for an hour or so, change all the locks, pack all their shit up in boxes, and put it out at the curb with a brochure of local apartments.

If I ever fuck up and have kids, I’m locking their asses out of the house for good when they turn 16. If they think they deserve a car just because it’s their “sweet sixteen” (which is bullshit by the way), they can damn well sleep in it for the next few years.